no ceiling

———————————————

Cause followed by effect followed by cause followed by effect
When we go away
When we embrace the pain and the fear in the small tremblings, we take a death trip.
We’re allowing the fear of death of some part of us run through us.
So much uncentered, unfocused practice of death-as-the-bad-thing.

I do not want to die

But I challenge my fear around it.
It is good to be cautious on the edge of a cliff.
I get no where worrying if I didn’t say enough to a cashier.
Different levels of risk but same root.

Anxiety

A gift of the mind, used in two very different ways.
Fear on the mountain side because there’s a cliff risk doesn’t have to consume our whole time on the mountain

 ———————————————

My birthday was a couple of days ago.

I’m now 35.

Things Ive learned being 34

Stare

You can let it go

Fear is a meditation on death. Engage thoughtfully.

Its good to have wide feet.

Nothings better than doing it.

Something imitating something else requires caution

Purpose is not learned through language or obligation.

It is really important to have fun.

Back is ok.

It is really important to be still.

Keep your glasses in the incense drawer.

Learn.

Want & need little.

 ———————————————

For reference:

Things Ive learned being 33

Love

The snake is real, just not in the ways you think

Cardamom and a date go in your coffee

Try

Wait

Assumption has a long tail

Don’t ski

Space is necessary, healthy

Language is limited. 

Its perfectly ok to say No

There is nothing wrong with saying Yes

Don’t point

Listen

Do it now

Write it down

Nothing good comes from being stubborn

Fear is different from intuition. 

The loudest voice is that way for a reason.

Change

———————————————

Every year, this time of year is really heady for me. More and more expansive each time around the sun.

Some things get really bright then fade out, other elements of my life have been consistent twinkling light on and off, always “in the field” in some way.

Reading back to what I was writing about last year at this time- Change. First really recognizing the impact the constancy of change was having on me. I had adjusted the aperture just a bit, enough to see large disorienting change trends in my life- yet to experience the fine grain of change.

I thought perhaps i would go through undulations of change, that at some points waters would calm and things would feel placid once again.

Thats to view life as linear. Directional and straight headed. “I’m aware, I see that this will pass (and i cant wait for it to!)”.

In the last year I’ve been able to broaden a bit and feel the path life as a more 3 dimensional experience.

Body holograph.

This really intense thing is happening, and I’m hungry and I’m checking in with some part of my mind,body- all parts are engaged. Which is not wholly comfortable but that discomfort comes only from my own breath holding.

Not all parts of me have coallesed to this new free wheeling awareness. This is new to some of them, their jobs are changing.

An anxious thought is not used to hanging around with “feel into the room behind you”-type thoughts.

I’m so grateful for how it all is.

This year I’m returning to a passion I’d lovingly set aside for a time- listening to the voices of the past.

Mounds, pyramids, Gnosticism, the solstice, archeological pondering- I’m welcoming it back into my life.

The winter solstice is my new year.

In winter we experience the return of light.

In the past I was trying to make a calling a profession and getting my wires crossed.

Confusing what you’re drawn to with how you make your bread is tiresome.

Work isnt real but passion is.

Passion is a call from the parts of you that are true, that don’t belong to anyone else.

no ceiling,

Bholenath

Also If you’d like to talk about earth, rest, burning man, reiki, san francisco, bodywork, psychedelic integration, or something else, please please, please reach out via the link below- it is free 

Talk to Bholenath

Altar Of Now, based in San Francisco, is the work and calling of Bholenath.