big bead

“The sun casts light on things, and through that light it is possible to see.

The purpose of light is to see.”

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Since I got back from the Burn, amidst a crucial personal astrological junction, amidst solar flares comets eclipses personal shifts closings openings beginnings pausing and arrivals I have been working diligently to support change in my life.

I said the same mantra 12,960 times.

I took (take) flower essence of wild oat.

I have abstained from altering substances.

And I have some thoughts to get up and out about it.

Immense focus and determination can be soft and loving

I did not one single time complain about this undertaking, this period in my life. I was enamored with the notion that I had detected shifts in my life as they were arising, I reached out to a teacher I trust for guidance, and then followed their suggestions steadfastly because I cared about my self. I wanted to be there for myself. Its been my experience in the past, that things like this wouldnt stick for me because I wouldnt be in tune with why I was doing something hard, so then I’d only think about it, hold it in fringe moments, at arms length. Like it was some petulant brew I needed to force down.

In these last few years, since moving to the ashram, to mexico, back to sf, I’ve come into such close contact with myself. I’m here for myself. I am fervent in my devotion to myself- so it makes doing things for myself and showing up in the quiet moments seamless.

I loved the pace that I had with doing my chants. Sometimes I’d say mantra laying in bed. Sometimes I’d say it after lunch. One time I did my 3 malas of mantra staring at a wall, a painting, and the inside of my eyes- changing each time I reached the BIG BEAD. I had fun and was open to it being an exploration, that there were no rules.

The moment is right here, all the time

And thats why it is so difficult to remain present. Our awareness is so refined, we can be very present while being very removed from the happenings around us. We are capable of deep, long focus and that is extremely difficult to point because it is a capablility of the mind. We meditate, we breathe, we practice reigning that in and pointing it in different directions so that we might catch the edge, the tiger tail of the now… sometimes.

I felt almost every day, the last micromeasurments separating me from true presence. I would begin my chants, each recitation of the mantra corresponding with my finger moving from 1 bead on to its 107th sibling.

First few beads, Im right there, present, in it.

Then i would bifurcate, my mind almost seamlessly splinters the part reciting mantra runs on its own-fingers still moving, while the rest of my thinking brain starts mulling very important business.

YA RIGHT!

My being wanted in this moment of opportunity, to push away in whatever way it could from this act of attention. I was doing nothing, quiet room, just sitting there saying the same words over again. I began to notice this was happening sooner and sooner, so i could play with it. I could extend grace in a new way to myself, recognizing how hard it can be to push against 34 years of living in the mind. Its all new. It will all continue to be new, and I may never be able to complete a mala without my mind wandering up to the day I die and that is very cool.

Its the point.

All the time I have the chance to try, to come back.

Also If you’d like to talk about earth, rest, burning man, reiki, san francisco, bodywork, psychedelic integration, or something else, please please, please reach out via the link below- it is free 

Talk to Bholenath

Altar Of Now, based in San Francisco, is the work and calling of Bholenath.